Tuesday, June 25, 2024
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Ministry Denies ‘Leaked’ Document is Authentic

The New Zealand Road Cone Agency has issued a strong denial that a ‘leaked’ roading document is authentic.

NZ Roadworks – A symphony of traffic obstruction

Wonky Kotahi spokesperson Aggregate Jones has issued a strong statement on behalf of the Ministry that the roading planning document in the possession of Newswarped News NZ is “a complete fabrication”. He went on to say that “the Ministry was committed to its five core principles”, and has “no intention to return to building roads”. The following statement was released to the assembled media.

Statement

The New Zealand Road Cone Agency (Wonky Kotahi) remains committed to its visionary Five Core Principles of Roading Excellence that have been the core of our activities since the start of the decade.

These are:

For New Zealand:

  1. To have the finest traffic management plans in the Southern Hemisphere with more cones per square kilometre than any other roading authority in any country south of the equator.
  2. To return State Highway 1 to its pre-European state by 2027.
  3. To achieve a minimum 20 percent per annum increase in the number of potholes for the next five years and reduce pothole repairs to zero by the end of 2024.
  4. To Release the latest strain of the ’80kph’ virus into 5 more provinces by mid-2025 to accelerate the eradication of the evil 100km per hour open road speed limits.
  5. To guarantee the health and wellbeing of roading crews by ensuring no work is done on roadwork sites between the hours of 1.00am and 11.00pm Monday to Sunday.

For Media enquiries relating to this statement call 0800 ROADCONE and be treated a tranquil recording of a barrier truck idling before your call is terminated after 4 hours on hold.

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Newswarped News NZ stands by the authenticity of the document and says it has been supplied by a whistleblowing employee appalled at the possibility that the NZ Road Cone Agency is contemplating in secret the return to the ‘bad old days’ of making roads that lasted and didn’t need to be dug up 4 weeks after completion.

In unrelated news a roading engineer (he/him) at the NZ Road Cone Agency headquarters in Wellington (not the whistle-blower) was rushed to the cold showers after he became became dangerously excited while contemplating the reduction of the standard roadworks speed limit from 30kph to 20kph. Newswarped News believes this is the 3rd incident of this nature this year linked to the Roadworks Speed Reduction Project. Wonky Kotahi has refused to comment so far but it seems inevitable that the project modelling and calculations will need to be done using AI and not humans.

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