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Territory News: ‘Stolen’ Election Hunt Still On

In Largo City, You Essay County – Former Mayor Furkwit accuses Sheriff of going soft on looking for ‘stolen’ election. Territory News has the scoop.

1st March 1874

Former Mayor D J Furkwit who lost the election for Mayor of Largo City last Fall has accused town Sheriff A W Shucks of giving up looking for his stolen election. Standing outside his Grump Tower Saloon former Mayor Furkwit yelled “The Sheriff has stopped looking for my election. He is the worst Sheriff in the history of Sheriffs!!!”.

Territory News reporter Freddie Ferret caught the speech in front of a gathered crowd of three supporters and a dog. The crowd were wearing ‘Make Lar Go Again’ hats. The dog was not.

Reporter Ferret approached Sheriff Shucks for comment about the hunt for the stolen election.

This is the transcript of the exclusive interview just in from the telegraph office:

Reporter Ferret: Why have you stopped looking for former Mayor Furkwit’s stolen election?

Sheriff Shucks: Well back up there just a minute son. This whole ‘stolen’ thing is a bit strong. I know Mayor Furkwit lost an election, but around here there is a big difference between losing something and having it stolen. Stealing is a hanging offence and losing, well that’s just plain carelessness. I’d have to have mighty strong evidence that the election was stolen before I went around stringing people up.

Reporter Ferret: What Evidence do you have?

Sheriff Shucks: Well I’ve got what we call an evidence deficit. That is a technical law enforcement term. It means my evidence has been defecated.

Reporter Ferret: How was your evidence defecated?

Sheriff Shucks: It was defecated from former Mayor Furkwit. I asked him what his election looked like so as I could recognise it if I saw it. He said “it was a beautiful election, a glorious election. The most glorious election in the history of elections”. I also asked him if he had any idea who stole it because You Essay County is awful big and it would take a whole lot of finding. He said “It was Woke people”. I asked if if he had any more information. He said “They were bad people. Very bad people”.

Reporter Ferret: So how is the search going?

Sheriff Shucks: Well its been a tad difficult. I don’t really know what a beautiful ad glorious election looks like. I ain’t had that kind of book learning. Most of the people I see are woke except the ones I seen sleep in their beds. All the bad people I know are locked up in my jail or buried in the cemetery, so if there is a bad person out there who stole the election, well they are a bad person I ain’t met or buried yet. So unless former Mayor Furkwit can defecate some more evidence I don’t think there is much I can do. I just wish he would stop stirring up folks and dogs like he is.

Former Mayor Furkwit out on the prairie looking for his stolen election.

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