Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Territory News: Largo City Election date set 2 years early

In Largo City, You Essay County – The date for the next election for Mayor has been brought forward by two years over concerns about the age of both candidates.

3rd March 1874

Largo City Chief Judge I B Corrupt has announced that the next election for Mayor of Largo City will take place next month a full two years ahead of schedule. Citing the age of the two candidates Judge Corrupt says “they are just too darn old”.

He said both former Mayor Furkwit and the current Mayor Joseph Bidet have been around “longer than most old folks can remember”.

Grocery store manager – Sebastian ‘Dodgy’ Scales – speaking on condition of anonymity – said “Mayor Bidet – he just plain makes no sense sometimes. He joins his words up so as you don’t know where one word ends and another word starts”. And as for former Mayor Furkwit, well he just never got over that whole stolen election thing and he keeps ranting about ‘draining the swamp’. Well all folks know that we ain’t got no swamps around these parts. My Lucy says – there’s folks in the cemetery more alive than these two old fools”.

Largo City politics is dominated by two rival factions – The Dementors and The Repugnants. Between them they appoint the judges and put up candidates for the Town Council.

Store Manager Scales – again speaking on condition of anonymity – said “this whole place is stitched up tighter that Aunt Mary’s needlework. While former Mayor Furkwit and Mayor Bidet are alive it doesn’t matter how gaga they get – no other folks can be candidates”.

It is said the only town official not owned by The Dementors or The Repugnants is Sheriff Shucks. His job description says he must focus on ‘looking the other way’ at all times, which makes it awful hard when he’s riding his horse (Cyril).

Territory News will keep our readers up to date as the election draws near.

Apology: Territory News apologises to former Store Manager Scales. We assure former Store Manager Scales that our reporter Freddie Ferret has now looked up in the dictionary what the word ‘anonymity’ means. Although in Freddie’s defence we would like to point out that if people being interviewed use fancy words (like they do back East) then they run the risk of not being understood correctly by the fine upstanding, hard working, gun loving, our version of the Bible believing folks in The Territory.

An allegedly authentic photo of Mayor Bidet resting in between Town Council meetings. Yes we are aware that electricity is not in use in The Territory yet, but it was too good a photo to pass up.

Related Articles

Latest Articles

Most Popular