Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Territory News: Largo City Election – Candidates neck-in-neck in race for senility

The Largo City mayoral election took a new twist today with the release of a special report from esteemed town doctor ‘Doc’ Fow Chi.

4th March 1874

Doc Fow Chi says the two candidates Mayor Bidet and Former Mayor Furkwit are “now neck in neck in the race for senility”. Before the early election was announced, Mayor Bidet had a clear lead in the senility stakes over his rival Former Mayor Furkwit.

However, Doc Fow Chi says that the more that Former Mayor Furkwit opens his mouth the “the more certain I am that he is just as senile as Mayor Bidet”. Doc Fow Chi said “Furkwit always say lots of dumb things about people but he always correctly identified the people he was saying dumb things about. Now he says dumb things about the wrong people. Bidet, he ok still reading his speech off of a board his assistant holds. No board for speech, he make no sense”.

Doc Fow Chi’s assessment of the senility levels of the candidates is backed up by a new leading citizen of Largo City – New Store Manager – Frank ‘shorty’ Change, who speaking on condition of strict confidentiality said “I ain’t been here long but I’ve met lots of younger right-minded people who would make a better Mayor that either of these two old coots”.

Mr Change continued – still on condition of strict confidentiality – “hell I’ve got cans of beans that are smarter than these two. I know in this town you are either a Dementor or a Repugnant but if this is the best the humans can put up then maybe its time to stand aside and let a goat run the place”.

Sheriff A W Shucks said “from my technical understanding of the law, being not ‘right-minded’ does not disqualify a person from being a politician. In fact for some folks they are not much good at anything so politics is just about the only thing left for them to do”.

As we get closer to the election, Territory News will keep you posted on Doc Fow Chi’s assessments on which candidate is winning the race to senility. It has got to the stage where many folks are more interested in this race than the election itself.

Apology: Territory News apologises to Former Store Manager Change. We assure Former Store Manager Change that our reporter Freddie Ferret has now looked up in the dictionary what the word ‘confidentiality’ means. Although as in our last apology we would like to point out that if people from back East persist in talking like people from back East then these kind of mistakes are going to happen. They run the risk of not being understood correctly by the fine upstanding, hard working, gun loving, our version of the Bible believing folks in The Territory.

An allegedly authentic photo of J Bidet and DJ Furkwit in their younger years. Territory News acknowledges that at the time the photograph was allegedly taken photography had not been invented yet. However we feel this is in itself not a compelling enough reason to not publish it. We would also like to note that Former Mayor Furkwit (on the right) hasn’t changed that much.

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